I'm willing to bet the Earth's still here in 50 years' time - and I'll be living it up in Vegas

When I was growing up, there were all sorts of things - in my mind's eye – that needed to be invented.

Number one was always a telephone that would allow the callers to see each other. Other ideas I had were music you could carry around in a small personal device that would allow you to hear sound through headphones. A camera you could carry in your back pocket was another idea. As was flying with a jetpack on your back. The main one, of course, was the ability to time travel.

'It's typical of man (and woman) to think that the world's end is just around the corner. It is the kind of egotistical, egocentric bullshit that has created religions – and look what good that's done us?'

All of my ideas have come to fruition. The iPhone has taken care of the camera and the phone conversations where you can see the other caller, the Sony Walkman took care of the music. Jetpacks exist – although it's fair to say that they have a way to go before becoming safe and affordable.

The one that hasn't been done is time travel. I'm sure it will be though. If the history of man proves anything it is that whatever man puts his mind to will be done eventually. Crossing oceans and polar regions, climbing Everest, space flight and going to the moon, instantaneous contact with people on the other side of the Earth, vehicles that move under their own steam, bombs that can destroy the planet. They're all things people once imagined and have now happened. The one invention I didn't foresee, growing up, was the internet. Computers existed then, but the spread of electronic information around the world was something I didn't see coming.

But I digress. If time travel is to be conquered – and I'm pretty confident that one day it can be – why haven't people already come back from the future?

You could say that's because time travel hasn't been invented yet. But my point is that if time travel is going to be invented then now is bound to be a time people will want to come back to. And if people do one day come back to this point in Earth's existence, then surely they should be here now.

Maybe they have come back. Imagine, in the future the Earth's past might be like some giant natural history reserve. There will be strict conditions on who can time travel and how they can do it. Maybe people from the future are already here but are hidden from view. Perhaps the time tourists of the future are walking around us in Harry Potter-style invisibility cloaks. Or perhaps our activities are being secretly filmed and the footage relayed back to a future where individual time travel is banned.

It's all silly speculation of course. But I do have one slightly worrying explanation. Maybe no one's come back from the future because there is no future for man to come back from. Perhaps we really have destroyed our planet with nuclear weapons or perhaps climate change will make this planet uninhabitable for humankind.

I was thinking about this the other night – because a contributor to a programme on the BBC World Service was asked what he thought the odds were on the Earth still being here in 50 years' time. His answer was “51 per cent” in favour of the planet surviving. What an idiot.

I honestly don't believe man's existence on Earth will end anytime soon. Of course an asteroid could come and hit Earth and destroy the human race just like when the dinosaurs were extinguished 65 million years ago. But think of the odds of that? At least 65,000,000-1 that it would be this year, I'd have thought.

I seriously question the scientists' evidence that global warming, or climate change, will wipe out mankind within my lifetime, or even my children's lifetime or my grandchildren's lifetime.

Sure I want to protect the planet. I hate seeing litter strewn across our towns and countryside because of mindless manufacturers who create so much 'disposable' plastic packaging. It doesn't take a genius to work out that smoking chimneys and vehicle exhausts are bad for us, either. But however much rubbish we pump out, I think it will be a long time before it has an irreversible impact.

Fifty-one per cent, is he kidding? Just think about those photos we see of Earth taken from spacecraft circling the planet. Or just look at the globe in your child's bedroom (do children still have globes or has Google maps dispensed with our need for them?). Apparently seven tenths of the Earth's surface is covered in water. Then there are the polar regions where man has barely made an impression, and our deserts, mountain ranges like the Himalayas, the vast tundra regions of Siberia and Mongolia, the plains of Canada. So about another 10th of the planet's surface is uncultivated. Of the land that is cultivated much of it is empty apart from grazing livestock or arable crops. Man's footprint on this Earth is still relatively negligible.

I've looked into the research behind global warming, expecting to find lots of scientific symbols, calculations and projections that my tiny mind cannot comprehend that would give a definitive explanation of how Earth is going to hell in a handcart. But do you know what I found? A graph on Nasa's website which showed how carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere has reached levels never previously reached in the planet's history.

Well, no shit, Sherlock! So all those Chinese factories that today pump smoke into the Earth's atmosphere and all the emissions created by man since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution must have had some impact.

But remind me again – what is carbon dioxide important for? Oh yes, that's right, it's a necessary part of photosynthesis – the process that is vital for the growth of plants. And, remind me, plants are a bad thing, right? Well no because they're a good food stuff, necessary for mankind's survival, and they mop up, er, carbon dioxide. It's all bullshit.

Ok, so carbon dioxide is increasing and scientists' graphs show that the planet is getting hotter. But the Earth's temperature levels have fluctuated before. Man made it through the ice age. Now it seems we're likely to have a few sunnier centuries. But does any of this prove anything?

The Earth will adapt. Man will invent a way to negate the excess of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere if we need to. I certainly can't see the Earth becoming uninhabitable or mankind being wiped out anytime soon.

It's typical of man (and woman) however to think that the world's end is just around the corner. It is the kind of egotistical, egocentric bullshit that has created religions – and look what good that's done us? Remember all those apocalyptic predictions during the Cold War? It seems man cannot exist without giving himself something to worry about.

Maybe it's a natural quality that we've been armed with by evolution ever since we were in the cave surrounded by wolves, woolly mammoths and pestilence. I absolutely agree that we should keep the planet as clean as possible – avoid polluting the landscape and releasing noxious gases willy nilly. We should continue to aim for peace on Earth and look for a way to cancel out the threat of nuclear weapons. But don't give me this 'we're all doomed' nonsense.

Fifty one per cent? That guy would never make it as a bookie. In 50 years' time, if I'm still alive, I'll be 103. Boy would I love to be around then to collect the money from that bet. I'd put everything I own on it – all my savings, my house... Not that it would be much use to me. Imagine – at 103 – whoring and gambling my way round Las Vegas. I don't think I'd last another three months. Now that would be a great way to go out.